I feel it's only fair to warn you that this journal is basically me pouring my heart out. Coming clean about myself if you will and it's something quite personal. I don't really want to go into too much detail but I just wanted to get it out... vent... just hope it helps me to share what I'm feeling at the moment.
There's something wrong with me. Great start right? But hear me out...
I suspected something nearly 5 years ago (around the time of my first DA disappearance). I'd been to the docs a couple of times before for different things and tried to explain it casually at the end of the appointment but they never seemed to have time for me.
I finally made an appointment with a doctor I'd never seen before purely to discuss my concerns. He took me seriously and after blood tests, scans and observations I was diagnosed. There was something wrong with my reproductive organs. Something that can't be treated and that has loads of side effects. The doctor told me that conception was not impossible... it would just be more difficult and that I should consider fertility treatment when/if the time comes.
Apparently the condition effects around 4% of women so it's not THAT uncommon and it's not life threatening (or cancerous) but finding out that you have something "wrong" inside of you is a horrible feeling and I didn't know how to deal with it so I buried it. I found myself thinking "the biggest thing that makes me a woman.. is defective"
I'd not realised before that my bouts of self-loathing were linked to my condition. When the doctor gave me information about it everything seemed to fit. The reason why I get so down at times, struggling with my weight among other things - all of them now pointed to this one thing. Maybe I should have felt relief... but I didn't.
I basically carry on as if I'm "normal" but every now and again I'm made aware I'm not as I should be inside.
Recently I've been suffering with a lot of pain. I had dismissed it as one thing but ended up in so much agony that I phoned NHS Direct and they told me that with my condition I should have seen the doctor straight away... apparently I'm more "at risk" than someone with normal insides.
So off I went. And have been there and back since the beginning of August. I've had an internal examination, scans and blood tests to see what the cause of the pain is.
Largely they think it's cysts and swelling but I have another appointment with the Doctor on Monday to discuss my scan results. I could see clearly on the scan that things weren't as God intended inside me... Then to top it off the Nurse discovered something "strange" with my uterus. It's split. I have what's known as a Bicornuate Uterus which apparently effects 0.1% of women.
It's so rare that there's not that much information about it to find. The nurse doing my scan said she'd only read about it before, and the other nurse said I was the first one she'd seen in 15 years of working there. I was named "case of the day" as to top it off my Ovary's had swollen to the largest they'd ever seen - explaining the pain.
The Nurses were lovely and kept me calm through the whole process... but I now just don't know what to think... People with these conditions can have children but my chances have been reduced yet again as depending on which side (or horn) of my uterus a baby was to form in would decide whether I would miscarry or not. I've been told I have less eggs, large cysts on my ovarys and that I have a split womb. What would you think?
I know there's no point worrying about something that can't be fixed.... but I can't help it. Like I mentioned before... it feels like my right to be a woman is being taken away! It sounds pathetic but it's just how I feel at times. When I'm able to get on with things you wouldn't know I had this syndrome... but other times I feel like it consumes me and I just dive into a pit of low.
Like I said... just needed to vent a bit - I'm sure I'll be back to happy again soon! I'm looking forward to it!
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